I have come to the conclusion that I just do not process things the same way as other people. Or maybe I just don't FEEL things as intensely as other people do. My brain must just be wired differently. Yes, I got a bit emotional at the moment we began to sing Mah Tovu in the church on our first night, and I enjoyed our Friday night "stand up" Shabbat dinner and singing, but that was it as far as emotional highs or lows. It was really amazing to sing with 8 choirs from all over the world, in a place like Berlin, and wonderful that we were invited to attend and actually made it come to pass. However, I think that after 22 years in the group and a veteran of other trips, this was not my favorite. Yes, I thought we sang exceptionally well, and things went pretty smoothly, but unlike those people that say they bonded and became closer to their fellow singers, I actually felt more disconnected than in years past. Perhaps it was the fact that for the first time, I was part of a couple; I brought Alan with me because I wanted to share the experience with the man I love. But while everyone is friendly, and I get along with everyone, I do not feel that the group is "age neutral", and the group is absolutely more cliquey than it used to be. But then again, I'm starting to feel pretty tired, so perhaps this is just the jet lag and the egg nog pancakes talking.
Reading the blogs kept by some of the other singers prompted me to write this, because people like Judy and Hinda DO feel things very intensely. Judy writes about all the things she'll never forget, and how she has bonded permanently with all her new Zamir friends, and all the wonderful memories they will be sharing. Well, I will be like the others who didn't go on the trip, and will not be sharing those memories! Of course, I will be sharing the memories of the concerts and the party at the top of the TV tower, and things like that, but as I mentioned, having Alan with me was both a good thing and a not good thing. I'm the loner - the one who always feels she doesn't fit in. No one in the group is MY person, no one says "Hey, lets wait for Phyllis". One night we got back from walking around the market, and everyone was standing around in the lobby talking, not knowing what to do next. I went to the ladies room. Alan was standing off to the side, not really paying attention. When I got back, Alan was there, but the group had gone. They had gone off to someone's room where they apparently had a great time laughing and "bonding".
I wish I could be more like the other couples, like J&L , for example, who did their own thing and couldn't have cared less about hanging with the group. They traveled separately from us, had a private guide on Shabbat, and didn't go on our bus tour either. three other couples did pretty much the same thing - they functioned as a unit and didn't really need anyone else. Alan and I don't have any couples friends to hang out with either. All we do are temple events and I need more. I thought I was finally secure. Finally had friends and confidence and all the things I felt I lacked when I was younger. But I think in the end, depression is what causes me to feel that I don't have those things, although I do. Something inside me screams "Like me...!!" and "...but leave me alone!!" at the same time.
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