Every so often I tell Alan that I love him. After a short pause, he usually says.. "I love you". But I wonder sometimes if he really means it. I don't think he's been in very many long term relationships, although he has had a lot of girlfriends. Tonight when I walked him out to his car, I said it, and he said it back (as if he knew I expected him to say it) I also said that I haven't been in relationships where I could say it and really mean it, and that I hope if he says it, he means it, since I know what it's like when someone wants to hear you say it and you can't.
But what does it mean to love Alan? It isn't as if we are two young people looking for someone to build a life with, raise a family, etc etc. Do I want him to be the last person I see at night and first person I see in the morning? Sometimes. I think I was kind of hoping deep down that he'd want to live here with me. But he has a house -a house that he says he's going to live in, and he's buying new appliances and fixing it up. He asks me for my opinion, but he has never even referred to me as someday living there, even in passing, or as a joke, etc. And I don't bring it up, because I'm not sure I want to live there. I do love my condo... there is the problem a lot of older couples have. No one wants to give up their own home for the other, and with it, their independence.
Sometimes I complain that he doesn't call enough. It's as if he isn't thinking of me as much as I think of him (or as much as I want him to think of me). Then I get on the phone with him and try to stay unemotional. And he says I just called to complain and wait for him to defend himself. Well, yes - that is correct... but he doesn't defend himself. he doesn't say, yes, of course I care about you... I'm sorry I don't call you more, etc. etc. Which is all I want.
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