What a bizarre couple of weeks - Judy's death and her son's bar mitzvah. Writing today was not really what I had planned but if I don't start this, I'll never get to it.. What is there to say? I doubt I'll have to write things down to remember these events.
Here's what I wrote about Judy after Eden and I went to visit her on November 5.
Eden and I went to see Judy yesterday. She seemed fine except for how she looks of course, which is hard to get used to. She is totally hairless, no wig or anything, and of course you saw she has gotten very thin, but has that 9 month old pregnant stomach, and has to wear loose dresses. That must be so horrible. Usually a cancer patient will just be thin or whatever, this makes it so much harder to take. She looked at Eden's photos and video, and we talked about this and that. She said she had a scan on Friday and her doctor is going to change her drug concoctions, since one doesn't seem to be working and one is, or at least has stopped the tumors from getting bigger.
I can't imagine how those tumors can shrink enough to go away completely. Am I being a pessimist? I don't know how she manages. She does have people to cook for her and help her w/ the kids, and grocery shop, since she gets tired very easily. She is trying to prepare for Andy's Bar mitzvah which is in December.
One thing i do remember is that when we were leaving I gave her a long hug - to which she responded.. "Hey, Phyl.. don't worry."
But...
On December 3, i got a call from Lisa that Judy had been in the hospital since Thursday and it wasn't good. The way Lisa put it was "what we hoped wouldn't happen is going to happen." Well hope, yes -- but expect, no. I knew it would happen - I think we all did - we just didn't know when. I was a bit annoyed that Lisa was just telling me now, but then she also said no visitors, although I heard later that a lot of Judy's friends from Sharon were there.... So anyway, I started the phone/email notification chain...
Unfortunately, Tuesday morning while driving to work from the dentist, Eden called me with the terrible news that Judy had died Monday night. The funeral was Wednesday, but when Eden called, I was just about to pull into the DD on Rte 1, having offered to bring coffee into my coworkers. I could have just gone home, but I drove to work and tried to act somewhat normal. Some crisis was going on but I didn't even want to hear it. I called Sandy in NY and she knew right away that if I was calling, it wasn't good news. I also had rehearsal that night. I don't think I'd even fully processed the information by the day of the funeral. Denise came down from NH to pick me up and we drove to Eden's. The three of us sat together and tried not to cry too much.
A woman sitting next to me asked how we knew Judy and I said we'd all grown up together. Eden had called Chedva and so she and her mother also came, and we all agreed that too much time had passed.
It was good to be able to see Bernie, Gary, Debbie (didn't talk to her) before the funeral started, as well as her mother, who naturally was pretty distraught. And Michael - I didn't know what I'd say to him, but he came right up to me and called me "sweetie" and gave me a hug. I didn't quite know what to do at that point. Lisa actually said to me "thanks for coming".. maybe she didn't know what else to say, but we were calling her "the widow"... I mean honestly -- "Thanks for coming???" they may have been best friends but I also lived with Judy and travelled with her, AND had known her since we were about 8 years old. Lisa's ok, but that really didn't sit well with me.
At the shiva, Debbie did tell me that Judy died peacefully with her family there. Bernie told us more details of how they got Judy to the hospital that previous Thursday, over her protests, when her friends suspected that something was wrong. Being at her shiva reminded me of when my mother died. I mean I was the same age roughly as Andy, and my Nat was the same age as Amy -- and there they were, sitting and talking and laughing with their friends.. because what else can you do?
On January 10 there was a memorial service for Judy at Young Israel of Sharon. Eden and I went, and met Chedva there, as well as Faye. I had called Faye with the news only in time for this service, but I'm glad I did, and she was very shocked by the news. The service was arranged bythe women in Sharon. Lisa got up and spoke, as did some of the Sharon women. No one had asked us to prepare anything. Judy's sister Debbie spoke also. She didn't speak at the funeral - they had voted Gary the spokesman for the family at that point. Poor Debbie made a great speech but had great difficulty getting through it.
I was a little annoyed that no one asked Eden or I to speak - Lisa kept calling to tell me about the thing (the date was switched from Wednesday to Sunday). I guess the women in Sharon put it together - Bernie didn't know much about it either. I thought it was nice that during Debbie's speech, she made a reference to something that happened and said "and I think Phyllis was there.." which made me feel like she was making a statement of how long I've known Judy - even though we weren't around in Sharon the last few years. I talked to Judy's mother, and someone showed us a scrapbook they had made for the kids with pictures and letters which was really nice.
A couple of rabbi's spoke, and there was some strange prayer service. Then we had coffee and cake and Eden and I sat and caught up w/ Chedva and Faye and vowed to get together. And, that's it. (we made a prediction about when Michael would remarry - and here's a note from the future 4/08 - he has)
Afterwards Eden, Chedva and I looked at old pictures, and I talked to the family and the girls.
Judy's death actually became the impetus for the "Malden girls" to start emailing each other. I don't remember exactly who started it, but someone found an old picture (Marlene maybe), and scanned and emailed it, and then we just started emailing back and forth. I sent some old pictures around...I have no problems putting my finger on any of my photos - they've been recently organized, so I scanned some and sent them around... Then we decided we should have a reunion...well, try to find a free weekend for 8 women! Judy Allonby created a spreadsheet and we decided on April 8 at Denise's house in NH.
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